Monday, June 04, 2007
my friend told me, people who blogs are such geek
she obviously doesnt realize i have one.anyway, i couldnt care less. probably i am the most laziest human in earth. when the weather forecast said that it's gonna be a rainy day, i always bring umbrella. im trying to act smart. but you know.. when it started pouring, i couldnt be bothered taking my umbrella out of my bag. i simply .. walk thru the rain. not that smart. but who cares.
i dont wanna be a bad person. since i was a kid i always tried to learn to be good. now that i tried to recall again, i remember one time when i was inside school bus, and the driver went thru a shortcut to a really dodgy street. the place where all the junk ends. imagine myer in melbourne central, yea.. that's how massive the junk is. and i looked at the people, and somehow, i started fasting. out of nowhere. it was not ramadhan, it was nothing. i just wanted to fast. i want to feel what they feel. feeling hungry. and not be able to buy clothes, and house and car.
that was back then. when i was like in 5th grade. and look at me now. being 22 and im such a narrow minded, moody, greedy little woman. how is it that i dont feel anymore? my emotion is all wasted in movies. i cried badly when someone died at the movies, but i laughed at my friend's joke about the blind man. where the hell is my morale?
yesterday i was upset with my brother, i shouted at him on the phone. telling him that he needs to have respect to my parent etc etc etc
who am i to tell him what is good and what is wrong? i couldnt even control myself whether to pretend to laugh at some sick jokes my friends were talkin about or to get out off it and tell them off.
im such a weak person.
back to my lazyness, you know i dont mind if my house is messy. i used to survive months and months in my own filth. but somehow, i have these dreams, of living in a place that is so uncomfortable. for days, even weeks. the same dream every frikin night. i couldnt stand it, i cleaned my bathroom last weekend. and i dreamt about something else last night. i couldnt remember, but it's definitely not about being in a filthy bathroom. you know, since then, when i went inside my bathroom, i checked every bit carefully. it was just last saturday and i already have the urge to clean my bathroom again. that my toilet needs to be cleaned again. and that one corner of the bathroom need to be brushed. that the roof needs to be sweeped thru with some mould remover. i think im going crazy.
i want to have my patient back. i want my heart to be washed. bathed. cleaned. bleached. lightened. thoroughly. to every single frikin tiny space it has. it's so filthy, dark, full of moulds, i couldnt breathe. it stinks! it's fcukin stinks! it's gonna rot until at some point i wont have hearts anymore. i just have that thing hangin inside me, rotten.
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